The Shoebox Under My Bed

I enter my dark bedroom and lay down on my bed. A place that normally feels peaceful and calm is now the heart of my stress and anxiety. As I sink into the mattress I feel it start to form, a pit in my stomach that is growing as each minute passes. The pit is all my stress and anxiety rolling around causing chaos, it is screaming at me to complete my list. It’s screaming and chaos is not allowing me to focus on the things I need to do. The list is racing through my head.

Economics summative. Law factum. Queen's admissions essay. Scholarship applications. Work tomorrow. How will I get there? What will my boss make me feel bad about this time? Economics test. What is monetary policy? Memorize all definitions.

I desperately try and think of ways to deal with all these things going on at once. I cannot, there is nothing I can do other than keep pushing forward. Keep working hard. It will all be worth it when you get the email from McGill I tell myself. This makes the pit grow. My fear and insecurities of rejection join the pit. What if the email never comes and I only receive rejection?

All I want to do is feed the pit in my stomach and allow it to have a temporary residence. I want to lay in darkness and listen to sad music until the pit goes away and I am left with a feeling of sadness and exhaustion. I know I can’t. I can’t stay here like this. I can’t let myself feel this way.

I roll over and reach under the bed to the shoebox which the contents will give me the relief I need. I open the box and see the cards that I receive at the end of each August spend at camp. The sheets of construction paper in every colour of the rainbow feel soft yet sturdy to my unsteady hands. The front of all of them says my name in black letters and each uniquely decorated with simple hearts, stars or stickers.

I begin to read, instantly living my spirits and feeling me with so much love. The kind words make my heart flutter and my eyes water. I remember the nights spend laying on the docks, shoulder to shoulder with my closest friends. All eyes were on the sky, staring at the stars, taking in every inch waiting for the moment. In these moments nothing matters, there are no worries, no lists, no pits of stress and anxiety. The stars seemed to go on forever, their glorious bright light shined down on us reminding me how small I am in this huge universe. Then it happens, the moment, a star races across the sky so fast, if you were not paying attention it moment would have been missed. I do not remember what I wished for, possibly my future, happiness or just for many more moments like these.

I notice the pit of stress, fear and anxiety is gone now. Left in its place is a feeling of content and longing for the summer months. Although far away from the memories of summers before and the excitement for the summers to come leave me feeling calm. I place the cards back in their box, close the lid and slide it back under my bed. They will rest there until they are needed again. I get up from my bed and open the curtains to let the afternoon sun in. The warm rays remind me of my days spent on the dock. I soak them up. After some time I walk away, off to complete my list.