The Beauty In My Thorns

In life we have to make choices. Choices that affect us now and in the future; but what if our choices are already made? There was no time to second guess, my whole body ached for the release; the thought planted in my mind since I could first remember. This choice, this moment, I would carry with me forever.

I woke up in the cold, white room of the hospital. I struggled to remember how I got there, my thoughts groggy and surreal as in a dream. But this was not a dream, I was not asleep. I failed in my attempts to reach my haven of peace. I was alive and alone in a hauntingly quiet room of the adolescent psych ward.

Slowly gaining awareness of where I was and how I got there, the nurse knocked on the heavy steel door. “Your family is here to see you.” My heart was pounding, my parents had seen me here before, but my sister, only seven years old, had only then been able to understand where I was. I walked the route to the visiting room to see my mother, my step dad, and my sister standing nervously, awaiting my presence. My mom’s eyes flickered with distress as she saw me trudge into the room.

They say that one in five Canadians will experience a mental illness in their lifetime, genetics being a great factor. Lucky for me, almost everyone in my family suffered from depression or anxiety, inherently passing it on. My mother had struggled from anxiety and depression when her and my father went through their divorce. She has always been stronger than me. She never let me down, yet there I was, disappointing her yet again.

When I entered the room and sat with my family, I tried my hardest to avoid discussion, and placed my sister on my lap to play a board game. The next few minutes went well, until I noticed a sorrowful look in my sister's eyes. Within an instant her whole demeanor shifted. I felt my heart slowly crack like a rock hitting a car windshield.

That was the moment that changed my life. The moment I had realized that this was no longer solely about me. My sister was the light in my dark tunnel, she was the rose that added beauty to my thorns.

Everyone struggles at times, but to have someone in your life to give you hope, as I had my sister, makes all the difference. That moment taught me that my life is not only mine, it is the life of a sister, a daughter, and a friend to many.