Panic

Loneliness lingers as I see myself, standing on the edge, frozen like an iceberg with a ship fast approaching. My soul sinks as I look beneath me at the water, clear as glass, my reflection only as big as a grain of sand. Anxiety releases a chill that shivers up my spine and into my mind. I could not take this risk; my anxiety was monumental.

The thing is, I am not alone. At the bottom of my soon-to-be tombstone, my friends are cheering me on. However, they have already jumped. Reassurances of how this jump is so easy and hearing how they can jump off in their sleep, makes my emotions tremor. I can feel the peer pressure tugging on my feet, pulling me closer and closer to the edge.

“If I can do it, you can do it,” is what my friends told me. But, how was that supposed to help! If superman can fly, shouldn’t everyone else be able to fly? If your friends jumped off a cliff, would you? Little did I know I would end up stuck in that exact situation, transfixed, feeling as if my head was about to explode. I felt ashamed. Did I not have the courage to step out of my comfort zone and take this risk? I thought that I knew the answer, but I was wrong.

I was scared to death.

Time froze. I remember back to the times when my anxiety got the best of me. I remember walking up to that pretty girl I had a crush on, wanting to speak, but having no words come out. I was so scared of being shot down that I couldn’t muster up the confidence to tell her how I felt. And then, at home, the regret fills my mind because I KNEW I should have said something to her. I get home and have no idea whether or not she feels the same way about me because I never took the chance. I couldn’t take the chance; because my anxiety held me back. I am not a risk taker. I am so afraid of my image and the perception people have of me that I keep my anxiety and my emotions internal. I’ve always heard, “you’ll never know if you don’t try!” However, in the moment of uncertainty, I don’t want to know. It is after that moment that the emotions pour through me, and regret consumes me.

I am so lost in the moment that I cannot hear my friends shouting up to me. “COME ON, WE GOTTA GO!” I am running out of time. It is now or never. I take a moment to clear my mind of all my negative thoughts; the thoughts that inhibit my ability to take risks.

I will make this jump, I will make this jump, I will make this jump! I imagine that repeating these words will exhaust my self-doubt and I will be more likely to succeed.

However, no matter how many times I repeat myself, it doesn’t get better; the anxiety doesn’t go away. Just like the hesitant feeling that had that stopped me from approaching that pretty girl. I think to myself, “just tell her, you can do it. C’mon, don’t be nervous.” But, there is no beating anxiety. Anxiety creeps into your mind like a nightmare and sometimes it is hard to wake up. But, I have to believe that these overpowering feelings can be managed, so that sometimes, the anxiety is not there. And I needed that sometime to be now.

I begin to believe in myself, which I thought was near impossible to do. I take three steps back to the point where I cannot see my landing spot, take a deep breath, and accelerate, lunging towards the finish line.

I jumped.

I could feel the air beneath my feet as gravity took control of my body. A roller-coaster of emotions were running through my head. I was so terrified of getting hurt. I felt like I was already emotionally hurt from the anxiety that wrapped around my mind like a cobra. My emotions were at an all-time high, and there was no way I could manage it now. On my way down, I realized that the feeling of anxiety felt like the feeling of free falling. I had no control over my body or my thoughts.

I never acknowledge the times when my anxiety is not taking over my mind. But rather acknowledge every waking moment that this repelling feeling walks into my body and cozies up next to my thoughts. I did make that jump, and I lived, even though my mind took me to that awful place. I thought that I could’ve died jumping because I was terrified of the outcome. However, jumping was a test of my anxiety, seeing how far I could push myself to take a risk; one I never thought I would take.

However, if I never took risks, I never would have known whether I could’ve made the jump or not. I never will know whether that pretty girl feels the same way about me or not. And although not knowing the answer seems more comfortable for me at first, the aftermath and regret that follows drives me crazy. Because she was there, watching me as I jumped.