London Bridge

London Bridge is falling down

Falling down, falling down

London Bridge is falling down

My Fair Lady

The London Bridge fell and my life changed. Was it for the better? Maybe, I'm not sure how to exactly answer that question yet, but I do know this. Every day, I see that bridge, surrounded by all of the rubble and debris that was left there for someone else to pick up. Every day, I see what was left. Every day, I pass by and think to myself, “why don't I just pick up the pieces?” But then I quickly remember that I am simply not strong enough. That's it, there’s nothing I can do.

Divorce; it’s a word you hear often, but you never know what it feels like unless you experience it for yourself. For me, it was a word that I was always scared of, one that I didn’t want to believe was real. No matter what happened, I thought my parents would always stay together, even if it wasn’t the best idea. I was wrong. Unlike the movies, my parents never sat my brother and I down at the dinner table to share the news, nor did they utter the words “we love you” and “it’s not your fault.” It was never a big secret. How could it when all we heard was them argue? Even though they despised each other, I still thought it was my fault. No matter what I tried to do, it seemed like I always made everything worse.

Every single birthday, I wished for two things, number one being: to win the lottery and number two: was for my parents to find a way to make things work. I now realize that both of those wishes were very unrealistic, but all I wanted was for us to be a family. I remember spending so much time trying to convince my dad to be a better person, the person we all wanted him to be. Was I naive to think people could change? At this point, I felt like I was the only one who cared enough to fix my family.

I never once said the words “my parents are getting a divorce” to anyone, not even my closest friends who had known me for years. Probably because I was embarrassed; embarrassed at the fact that my parents couldn’t do the one thing they were supposed to do, which was to stay together and be an “actual” family. Something that still pains me to this day.

If only I was strong enough, then I would have been able to repair the broken bridge. I started to think like that, regretting every choice I made, feeling like I had no authority over my own life. If it’s my life, then why doesn’t it feel like it? I was so afraid of not having control over something so minuscule, that I started to slowly feel everything else slip away. Everything gradually got further and further and I didn’t even notice. My biggest fear was what would happen if I didn’t have any control. It was like I was on a never ending roller coaster ride, full of stress and disappointment. Not knowing when or if it will ever end. Without a second to even catch my breath; the fear promptly washed over me, leaving me in despair. Everything needed to be perfect, and frankly, that wasn’t the reality. In my gut, I knew that I was no longer in charge. My biggest fear had come true and I had no way of stopping it, ending it, or forgetting it.

As soon as things started to get better, they got worse.

Anxiety. It's what started to consume my life. After it finally felt like I dodged a bullet, another one would come at me ten times faster, without a single warning. My mind was ridden with thoughts and fears, to the point where I just became emotionally and physically exhausted. The most common misconception about anxiety is that people who suffer from the illness have the ability to snap out of it whenever they choose. That’s not the case. I found myself in a never ending cycle trying to control the uncontrollable. Simple tasks started to become unbearable and unfathomable. I felt the need to overcompensate and plan out everything like, what to say or how to respond, in hopes to be somewhat less regretful of my actions. If that didn’t work, the moment would constantly play on a loop in my head, forcing me to relive the moment. Eventually, it got hard to sleep because my mind would never rest. I remember waking up in the middle of the night; tightly clenching my pillow, my mouth was dry, and the smell of sweat lingered through the air, nothing but dead silence and darkness. All because I wasn’t able to suppress my thoughts.

At the end of the day, some things are just out of our control and nothing is truly as it seems. There's no such thing as picking up the pieces and rebuilding what was broken, what matters is that we make the best out of those already existing pieces. Remember the nursery rhyme? Well, the London Bridge has actually fallen down multiple times since 1014, each time being rebuilt and each time falling again. That just goes to show you that no matter how hard we try, some things can never be repaired. Living through my parents’ divorce and dealing with anxiety was and still is a huge struggle, but it has made me realize that the only person I can control is myself and who I want to become. Not my family, not my friends, and not the future.

The London Bridge fell and my life changed. Was it for the better? Yes, finally I know how to answer that question.

By: Allie Moustakis