Just a Game

Valorant is a free-to-play team-based tactical shooter with a five-on-five setup. Each match has 25 total rounds; the first team to win 13 rounds wins the match. At the start of each match, players pick characters called Agents. Agents have special abilities like dashing quickly, creating pools of smoke, building walls, or even calling down airstrikes. There are also two-three sites on each map, where you protect an objective. Either protect the objective or wipe out the entirety of the opposing team, and you win.

It was the final round of the game. We immediately ran towards site A, which is on the right of the map. While the rest of my team went straight into the site, I decided to take a back route to catch any stragglers along the way. Sure enough, two enemies were in the alcove that I was expecting them to be in. I aim down on my mouse and click on the screen, wiping out the first enemy. Before the second enemy had a chance to get me, I quickly aimed and got him first.

Three enemies left.

I moved forward, slowing my walk speed so any enemies couldn't hear me. Suddenly, my screen began to flash red, meaning that someone was trying to hurt me. I quickly turned around and used an ability to gain movement on them. Then, in no time at all, I aim down and click my mouse.

Bam!

Two enemies left.

This is where things began to get hard. I made my way back towards site A and saw one of my five teammates protecting the objective. Looking in the chat, I realize that the other three got eliminated earlier on, and I just wasn’t paying attention.

Suddenly, in no time at all, the last of my teammates got eliminated right in front of my eyes. I don’t know exactly where the enemy is, but using logic I figured that they are somewhere further away, probably right at the opening of the site. On top of that, they probably had their eyes on me right at that moment. I ran towards my eliminated teammate and grabbed his long range weapon, swapping it out for my shorter range one. Then, I slowly made my way down and around the corner, preparing to fire.

3...2...1…

Boom!

One final enemy.

I took a deep breath. I could win this game right now and make my team proud, I had thought to myself. Suddenly, I heard footsteps coming to my left. I took cover behind a crate and waited until I heard the character get closer, keeping one eye on the objective.

Clunk. Clunk.

“There’s no way he wins this,” I heard one of my teammates say.

“It’s too close.”

Clunk. Clunk.

It was now or never.

Using my killer fast reflexes, I jumped out from where I was hiding and rapidly pressed the left button on my mouse, firing my weapon directly at the enemy. That’s when the sweetest sound I’ve ever heard erupted from my headset, letting my ears know that I just got the best accomplishment in this game: “Ace!” I wiped out the entirety of their team in five minutes. My heart was like a train pounding down the tracks. I did it, I had thought to myself. I really did it.

At that point, I decided I would do a very dangerous thing in a virtual world. The pure joy I felt was unlike any other feeling I’ve had, and I wanted to share that. So I reached over to my mic and pressed unmute, the button that could destroy every shard of confidence I’ve ever had.

“Good game,” I had said modestly.

The words themselves weren’t dangerous. It was the voice that spoke them, the silvery, soft-spoken voice that clearly belonged to a girl. At that point in time, I didn’t know what kind of impact it would have, being a girl.

Everything changed shortly thereafter.

“Is that a girl? Oh it’s definitely a girl.”

“Dishwasher. Make me a sandwich.”

“Is your brother playing for you right now?”

“Go do laundry or something.”

They hurled their insults at me like they were playing volleyball, except it was one versus four, and I wasn’t throwing anything back.

“You gonna say anything, or just sit there silently like a woman should?”

“Your jokes aren’t funny,” I say.

“Oh come on, girl. It’s just a game.”

My eyes began to sting, and my throat started clogging up. I immediately closed the game and shut off my computer. If anyone else had won that game, they would’ve reacted differently.

No, if any boy had clutched up that game, I realized. This wasn’t just about me, it was about women altogether.

I dove into a world where war wasn’t just in the game, it was also between genders. I couldn’t open my mouth without hearing insults regarding being a woman, and the stereotypes surrounding that. The one thing I am most passionate about is overruled by narrow-minded boys that spew venom as they speak.

How do they sit and face their mothers at the dinner table? How do they walk their younger sisters to school? How do they drive their girlfriends home in the dead of night? How do they do any of this, yet still torture innocent females online with no repercussions?

Their voice is the weapon, and I am unarmed. They poke and prod at the things they don’t know about me, and I sit there and take it. I absorb the insults like a paper towel against a pool of water, wringing it out just to get filled up again.

I have been trained that when boys speak their foul words, I must stay silent. I must endure the pain, and not fight back. I must accept it. And yet, their words leave a lingering sting that will sit with me until my hair fades to grey and my eyes lose their playful glint. I am defeated.

But it’s just a game, right?