Bottom of the Ocean

The warm sun bounces off the calming waves and sparkles on my skin, the sun glows on my sun-kissed cheeks as my smile is going from ear to ear. There’s upbeat music playing in the background as the boat gently sways back and forth as the oncoming waves pass us by. We are anchored in the middle of the ocean while my friends and family lay in the warm sun and cool ourselves off whilst jumping into the sparkling blue ocean. I laugh and share stories with my friends and family while my hair is in one of my usual crazy buns. I feel carefree, as though nothing is wrong in this moment. This was my life, I was happy.

I go downstairs to the hull to get a drink when I notice that there’s water leaking in from a small hole on the side of the boat. How could this have happened? Before panicking I get someone to help me patch up the hole, as it’s not quite my area of expertise. I get rid of all the dirty polluted sea debris which has now left a dark stain on the once untouched pristine white floors. I go back up to the deck to see that everyone was where I left them. Did no one hear about my problem? Not to worry as it wasn’t too serious.

We real the anchor back into the boat and decide to tour around the sparkling and majestic water. The playful music continues to play and the sun feels as though it is getting warmer and warmer. We all lay in the sun staring at the gorgeous landscape that surrounds us. This day was perfect and I was in complete bliss. I felt so lucky, this was happiness in its true and pure form and I have obtained it.

Later on in the day I notice an odd smell wafting up from below deck, what could that be? Being the only one who noticed it-yet again-I go and investigate. When I get below deck there’s smoke coming from the engine room. Somehow the water leaked into the engine and blew a fuse. I call up to my dad to help me but he says to handle it on my own. I don’t know anything about this, how can I solve such a big issue?

So I left it. Out of sight out of mind I thought to myself. I can deal with the consequences later, doesn’t seem so bad what could really happen? This was usually how I dealt with my problems and nothing bad had come of it yet so why not continue do so.

A few of my friends decide they want to leave early, they start taking the aluminum boat back to shore, meanwhile my family decides to go as well. Why is everyone suddenly leaving me? I’m mature enough to deal with everything and get back safely they say. I don’t want them to leave though.

As I watch my friends and family leave I am overwhelmed with this feeling of loneliness. It feels as though there’s a heavy weight pushing on my chest, making it hard to breath. I try to yell out to them but they keep getting further and further away, as I keep getting lonelier and lonelier. Had I done something to scare them off? I start beating myself up, as I usually do.

I go down to check on the engine and all hell is breaking loose. I look at the floor and somehow the stain has grown larger, now covering the entirety of the floor. It seems as though everything that could go wrong, is going wrong. I didn’t even know what was happening or how to handle it. How could they leave me in this time of crisis? Did I not make it clear I was struggling? This is my life now. And before I can even wrap my head around what’s going on, the boat starts sinking. Fast.

I gasp. Water fills my mouth. I can’t breathe. What is going on? Where am I? I flail my arms and legs but it does nothing. It is dark down here, I open and close my eyes repeatedly as I sink quickly to the bottom of the ocean floor, I’m scared and don’t know where I am. I open my eyes but I’m blinded by what’s around me. I’m so far from the surface there is little to no sunlight down here, the dark water and cloudiness from the crash have left my vision blurred. I am vulnerable. Everywhere I look I see darkness.. I can’t see or think clearly. I can’t breathe. I can’t swim. I am paralyzed and my body has lost control. All I can do is allow the ocean to drag me deeper and deeper to the bottom. Until I am forever lost in the undiscovered depths of the ocean.

Am I stuck down here forever? Will I ever regain the strength to swim to the top? I have to stop myself from sinker deeper and deeper but most times I can’t find the will to swim.  Every now and then if I squint my eyes just enough, I can see the sunlight peeking through the surface of the water. But it’s so far away, my limbs are weak and I can’t find the energy to swim any longer and get back to the surface. My breaths are getting heavier and oxygen is growing thinner and thinner, my lungs are depleting it. Hope is hard to hold onto when all I ever see is darkness. I can’t remember what the warm sun feels like on my skin or how my face feels when I smile. I look down and see cuts all over my arm, did I scratch myself on the way down or was this me? I don’t even remember feeling the pain from them. Will these scars ever fade or will I have to constantly look down and be reminded of the pain I’ve inflicted upon myself? Will I ever remember what it’s like to not be down here or will I be stuck in the depths of the ocean all my life?

Why has no one come looking for me? Why haven’t I been rescued? I’ve been floating aimlessly in this same spot for what feels like years now, how can no one see me? I  haven't moved. Is no one looking? How am I supposed to swim back up to the surface with the creatures that lay ahead of me? More problems, more obstacles, I don’t know what’s ahead of me. What if I somehow sink deeper? Is that even possible?

I know other people are down here too, but I can’t seem to find them. I see my sister, I see my best friend, but they can’t hear me. My ears are plugged with water and every time I try to speak or let alone scream, I am suddenly muted. It feels as though this darkness is starting to take away my voice. Hasn’t it stripped me of enough already?

If I close my eyes and really try to push the darkness out of my mind I can picture memories, really just glimpses of happiness. I’m with my family and my friends, I’m out of the water, living. Though it’s getting harder and harder to push it out of my mind.

Could that all be real again? How can I even get back to that place, all I know now is this darkness. I need to make the decision now. Sink or swim.